Day 51: What If?

Today we'll start off with a couple of pictures. The first is the embarkation picture from my recent Victory Cruise. Or as I like to call it, proof that I got Scott to set foot on a cruise ship. I just wish I had thought to take a picture of him in the piano bar, because I'm not sure anyone would believe that.

The second picture is of me and My Brian, from his visit here last week. I do believe we are both sober in this picture, getting ready to go out to the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA). We did actually do more than drink while he was here. In addition to MOMA, we took a trip down to Red Bank, NJ to visit Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash. Brian is an avid comic book reader and a big Kevin Smith fan so he's always wanted to check it out. We also went to Sweet Caroline's Dueling Piano Bar his first night, which led to a lot of drinking. And we went to the Billy Joel "Penultimate Play at Shea" on Wednesday night. So we started and ended our time together with music. Which seems fitting. Perhaps a little more fitting than starting and ending our time together with tequila.

I went to yoga class tonight for the first time in a little over two weeks. I was prepared to have a hard time, to not be able to hold the poses or get into many of them. But, it wasn't as difficult as I thought. I'm not saying I was able to do it quickly or perfectly, but I was stretchier than I imagined. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that the air conditioning was off at the the studio (Hey man, I didn't sign on for Bikram yoga!) So my muscles were already nice and warm. Perhaps it was because my expectations were low so what I could do surprised me.

At the beginning of class, Jody told us about a seminar she attended over the weekend called "Matrix Energetics". It's all about energy and it's uses in healing, psychologically and physically. Pretty interesting stuff. Now I'm not some hippie-dippy kind of person, but I do believe in energy work and I've felt the energy that flows from us and between us and others. I think next time this guy does a seminar in the area I might try and go. The possibilities are fascinating. And of course it is the possibilities that seem to be out of reach because we've been taught all our lives that there are limits to everything. It's hard to change beliefs that have been instilled in you since childhood.

That was one of the things that Jody kept talking about. Even when we do accept beliefs outside of the norm, it's hard to follow them when everyone else is preaching the opposite. The two words that Jody said over and over again was "What if". What if something that you believed couldn't change suddenly did, how would that feel? And she made a point about feeling rather than thinking because feeling is so much stronger. She got me thinking while I was going through my poses. What if I could actually lose this weight? What if my knees didn't get stiff and sore? What if I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up? A lot of what if's, but probably the three biggest things on my mind. Because I was in that mind set, I thought about the weight loss what if. And honestly the first feeling that popped up was fear. I've been overweight for so long, I feel like it is part of what defines me as me. So who am I going to be if I become a thin person? Will it change my personality? How will it change the way people look at me and respond to me and perceive me? I think I have to lose that fear of losing myself in order to let go of the weight. That's something to work on in my yoga class and my quiet moments I think. It sounds weird to be afraid of losing weight, but I think that really is an issue.

Enough with contemplating my navel...

When I got out of yoga class tonight I felt really good. It was nice to be back and moving and focused. It was also nice to realize that I actually have adopted some real changes in my eating habits. That has always been a big struggle. I've kicked the junk and sugar, now I just need to get my portions back under control. I've started bringing my lunch to work again. First off, it saves me a lot of money. But secondly, it also makes it easier to control the portions since I pack it when I'm not hungry.

Now, if I can just avoid tequila shots and 14 day lost weekends, I should be back on track soon.

Cheerios!

Day 23: "Bend and Stretch

Reach for the stars. Here comes Jupiter. There goes Mars. Bend and Stretch. Reach for the sky. Stand on tip-toes, oh so high." How many people remember that? It's from the old kiddie show "Romper Room". For some reason after all these years that little ditty still resides in the depths of my brain, along with a healthy chunk of lyrics from "Kids Are People Too" from Wonderama, any number of songs from Sesame Street, the Preamble to the Constitution and the address for writing to the show Zoom. "Write Zoom! Z, double O, M! Box 350, Boston, Mass, 0-2-1-3-4. Send it to Zoom!" There is all this useless trivia cluttering up my mind. And of course, if I learn something new, it's not a piece of useless trivia that gets pushed out, it usually some other more useful piece of information. I always said if I could learn to use my powers for good instead of evil, I could cure cancer.

The Romper Room song bubbled up into my consciousness as I was in yoga tonight. I was really enjoying the stretching aspect of class tonight, last week I felt completely bunched up and hunched over. Everything was tight like it was ready to burst apart at any moment. And my mood was kind of the same way. I'm not sure if the mood was the result of the physical or the physical was the result of the mood. But I'm just happy that the mood is passing.

So I really concentrated on the stretch tonight and it felt good.

There was one other thing I realized during yoga tonight. Jody had us do a few balance poses tonight. Poses where we had to balance on one foot. These have never been my forte. I always blame my weak ankles. As I rushed to get into each pose, I would lose my balance and fall over as soon as I lifted my other foot off the floor. Finally, I just stopped for a moment. I slowed down and concentrated on my one foot on the floor. I imagined it rooted to the floor. I concentrated on making that as strong and stable as possible. Then I lifted the other foot almost unconsciously, as if I was trying to ignore the fact that I was only on one foot. And you know what? It worked. I was able to get into the pose and hold it. There was a little wiggling and balance adjustments, but there I was on one foot.

All I really had to do was slow down. I need to take the time to establish that one foot as my base and really focus on making it as strong as possible before I moved forward. And once I did that, the other foot was able to go where it was supposed to. Gee, you think that maybe there is a life lesson in there?

Living and working in the New York City area, everything is rush, rush, rush. I walk fast to get where I need to be. I even catch my reflection in windows from time to time and see myself leaning forward as I walk as if that will get me there quicker. At work I program as fast as my little fingers can type so I can get more programs finished. Then after work, I rush to the Port Authority to get on a bus and get home as quickly as possible so I can attend to the personal things I need to do. And I rush through those. I rush through my meals. I rush through my exercise. I rush through this blog. And as a result? My shoulders and neck are so tight they feel like they are going to snap sometimes. And I gained .7 pounds.

So I think I need to slow down. I need to take a minute and really concentrate on making that one foot a solid base and maybe along with the other foot, my life will be able to go where it needs to be. And maybe the weight will come off, but not while I'm in such a rush. As y'all keep reminding me, slow and steady wins the race and baby steps are needed.

Of course putting this little life lesson into practice will be the challenge.

On Wednesday, I'm missing my yoga class so I can get a massage. Like I said, my shoulders and neck are so tight I feel like my shoulders are hunched all the time. I carry my stress there and in the tops of my thighs. I'm going to have him concentrate on those areas while I focus on my breathing and just slow down. Hopefully it will help.

But I think the first step is to just remember to breathe. So tomorrow, I will get up and I will breathe. If I feel myself bunching up again, I will find a quiet place and just breathe.

Let's see if I can stick to that. Namaste.

Day 4: Not Exactly The Girl in the Red Velvet Dress

Today's exercise: yoga class

Breakfast: 1 cup of Post Raisin Bran with 2% milk (Does anyone else remember when the raisins in Raisin Bran used to be coated with sugar?)

Mid Morning Snack: 1 Red Delicious Apple (You know what they say about an apple a day... and I hate doctors, they always find something wrong with you)

Lunch: Another serving of last night's Chicken Tagine and steamed broccoli with a tbsp of fat free feta cheese to make it interesting

Mid Afternoon Snack: 1 Kozy Shack 60 calorie No Sugar Added Bananas Foster pudding cup

Dinner: 1 serving of the French Potato and Chicken Salad and steamed broccoli with a tbsp of fat free feta (gotta be quick and easy so I can get to class on time)

Any woman who has seen the movie "The Fabulous Baker Boys" with Jeff and Beau Bridges and Michelle Pfeiffer will know exactly which scene I am talking about. Any piano man probably will too since they've likely had to deal with the fantasies that resulted. It's that New Year's Eve scene where Michelle Pfeiffer is crawling on top of the piano singing "Makin' Whoopee" in that red velvet dress, ohmygod SO sexy. Topped only by the scene a few moments later where Jeff Bridges is sitting on the edge of the stage with her afterwards and he starts massaging her neck and eventually moves down her back and unzips her dress and moves his hands forward underneath... I'm getting all flushed thinking about it. Give me a moment...

Okay. Anyway, that movie didn't start my fascination with piano players and piano bars (for that we can blame My Brian, my best friend from college, my great unrequited love and a talented piano player), but it certainly helped it along. I mean after seeing that scene how can you not fantasize about writhing on top of a piano in a slinky red velvet dress while Jeff Bridges plays? I'm only human.

Now I've never actually writhed on top of a piano in a slinky red velvet dress, but I have ridden a piano or two in my time. And for that you can blame Ron Pass (Rides on the piano are free, but rides on the organ will cost ya!). He let me ride my first piano in the Lindy Hop piano bar on the Carnival Valor in July of 2006. On the newer Carnival ships the piano is on a platform that rotates (and on the newest ships, it goes both ways!), so I could say that it's a great vantage point from which to see the entire room. But the truth of the matter is I'm just a big ol' ham and when I go out drinking I occasionally cut a little too loose. (Plus, I will admit, I enjoy the vibrations... LOL). Riding the piano has been sort of a habit with me ever since.

On the next cruise I took on the Carnival Valor again the following summer, the piano man (Carl Evans) not only let me ride me the piano, but he gave me the damn microphone and had me sing "Makin' Whoopee". Oy vey! So I sang it, in the key of C apparently. I was just happy that there was a key involved. I know I embarrassed my niece, who happened to walk by the piano bar just at that point. And I would say I embarrassed myself, but I think I had a little too much gin in my system for that to happen, so I do have some fuzzy fond memories of the performance.

I've tried to limit my piano riding to the Carnival ships (they don't call them the Fun Ships for nothing!) however, I managed to end up on top of the piano at Howl At The Moon in Orlando a couple of weeks ago. So it seems to be spreading... hmmm.



Not exactly Michelle Pfeiffer, right?






So now, I'm thinking if I make my goal by the time the Bloggers Cruise v.2.0, perhaps to celebrate I will buy a slinky red dress (I think velvet would be a little too heavy for the Caribbean, lol) and really do the piano ride right. It's always good to reward yourself for accomplishing goals, isnt it?

My yoga teacher tried to kill me tonight. Now, I know you're thinking that's not very "yogi" of her. And you're possibly thinking that I might be over exaggerating a tad. Well, you might be right about the exaggeration. But on the first count, well, Jody is not your typical "yogi" and I think that's why I like her so much. I know for years my perception of yoga and the people who practiced it had a lot to do with crunchy granola, ultra mellow, vegans. In the past few years as yoga has come into vogue as an exercise, that obviously has changed a bit. Then I met Jody. Jody is, as my friend Ray is fond of calling me, a sassy, brassy Joisey girl. And bit of a smartass to boot. She can curse a blue streak, freely admits that she can be impatient and obnoxious but she's working on that through yoga. And if you make smartass remarks to her before class, she will try to kill you with the poses. It certainly seemed tougher this week than weeks previous, plus it was hot as hades in the room and I was sweating like two dollar hooker at a Shriner's convention. I didn't sign on for Bikram yoga! When I got home my muscles were still quivering, which, ultimately, I suppose is a good thing. But still, I think I'll keep my smart comments to myself next time until after class.

We're over the hump and halfway through week one! Hooray! But it's a long road ahead... Happy and healthy travels to all those on that road with me!

Day 2 - I Have Not Yet Begun to Crave!

Today's exercise: yoga class

Breakfast: oatmeal with sliced strawberries, but no milk because someone who shall remain nameless (Scott) used up the milk in one of his late night cereal fests.

Mid Morning snack: 1 red delicious apple

Lunch: Lean Cuisine Butternut Squash Ravioli and 1 peach. I know those frozen meals aren't the best option, and are usually very high in sodium, but as I am not a salter, I'd like to think I can get away with it. Plus, I'm not a morning person, so unless I have something ready to go the night before, I'm grabbing what ever I can get my hands on.

Mid Afternoon snack: Jello Sugar Free 70 calorie Rice Pudding (satisfies the sweet tooth, sort of)

Dinner: French Potato and Chicken Salad (recipe from WeightWatchers). I know, potatoes, but seeing as how the serving size allowed for maybe half a small red potato, I'm not gonna sweat it. I had to cut the recipe in half, and I still have 3 more servings for lunches or dinners.

So about this yoga thing...

Anyone who knows me has probably had to listen to me expound on the virtues of yoga. And even though most of you reading this know me, I'm gonna expound all over the place again.

One of the nasty consequences of being overweight for most of my life, is that I've ruined my knees. About two and a half years ago, I injured the left knee for a third time and ended up on crutches. When the orthopedic surgeon looked at my x-rays he told me I had old knees. Too old for a person my age. This injury had torn my meniscus and ACL, but in addition I had arthritis building up and lots of bone chips floating around in there, so he scheduled me for surgery. During the surgery he repaired and cleaned up what he could and then it was off to physical therapy to strengthen it. But when the visits ran out, I did too. The knee was better but still not real strong and often gave me little twinges of pain. Stiffness was also a way of life (and had been for years).

A little over a year ago my brother Chris told me he had started a yoga class and was really enjoying it. Now Chris is not a physical guy so I thought the idea of him doing downward facing dog was amusing enough to check it out. When the next beginner class cycle started, I signed up with him at Become One Yoga and Pilates Center in Rutherford, NJ.

As it turned out I was so busy focusing on getting my own body into position that I never even glanced Chris' way. We stuck with it together going once a week at first and now twice a week. But the changes from even going just once a week were undeniable. My body shape changed. Oh I was still overweight, but things shifted around a bit and gave me a more defined hourglass figure. But the biggest change was my knee. I hadn't been able to sit cross legged in many, many years, my left knee would get painful after just few minutes of being bent. But after about 4 months of doing yoga, I could sit comfortably cross legged. The knee became stronger than it has ever been and hasn't caused me any pain since I started the yoga. It's the little victories that count. I can reach my feet now when I sit with my legs in front of me. I haven't done that since I was young. My brother's happiest achievement was the day he discovered that he could actually bend over pick something up off the floor. It really is the little things.

So here we are now over a year later and still going on a regular basis. It's the longest I've ever stuck with any exercise type thing. And as an added bonus, my mental state has become a bit more balanced. I still get stressed, but I'm less inclined to burst into tears when I do. I honestly can't say enough good things about yoga. I could go on and on and on, but I'll leave it there for now. Besides I'm tired and it's time for bed. Mmmmmm sleep.

And now for your moment of zen:









Triangle pose
Downward facing frog

Namaste