Day 51: What If?

Today we'll start off with a couple of pictures. The first is the embarkation picture from my recent Victory Cruise. Or as I like to call it, proof that I got Scott to set foot on a cruise ship. I just wish I had thought to take a picture of him in the piano bar, because I'm not sure anyone would believe that.

The second picture is of me and My Brian, from his visit here last week. I do believe we are both sober in this picture, getting ready to go out to the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA). We did actually do more than drink while he was here. In addition to MOMA, we took a trip down to Red Bank, NJ to visit Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash. Brian is an avid comic book reader and a big Kevin Smith fan so he's always wanted to check it out. We also went to Sweet Caroline's Dueling Piano Bar his first night, which led to a lot of drinking. And we went to the Billy Joel "Penultimate Play at Shea" on Wednesday night. So we started and ended our time together with music. Which seems fitting. Perhaps a little more fitting than starting and ending our time together with tequila.

I went to yoga class tonight for the first time in a little over two weeks. I was prepared to have a hard time, to not be able to hold the poses or get into many of them. But, it wasn't as difficult as I thought. I'm not saying I was able to do it quickly or perfectly, but I was stretchier than I imagined. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that the air conditioning was off at the the studio (Hey man, I didn't sign on for Bikram yoga!) So my muscles were already nice and warm. Perhaps it was because my expectations were low so what I could do surprised me.

At the beginning of class, Jody told us about a seminar she attended over the weekend called "Matrix Energetics". It's all about energy and it's uses in healing, psychologically and physically. Pretty interesting stuff. Now I'm not some hippie-dippy kind of person, but I do believe in energy work and I've felt the energy that flows from us and between us and others. I think next time this guy does a seminar in the area I might try and go. The possibilities are fascinating. And of course it is the possibilities that seem to be out of reach because we've been taught all our lives that there are limits to everything. It's hard to change beliefs that have been instilled in you since childhood.

That was one of the things that Jody kept talking about. Even when we do accept beliefs outside of the norm, it's hard to follow them when everyone else is preaching the opposite. The two words that Jody said over and over again was "What if". What if something that you believed couldn't change suddenly did, how would that feel? And she made a point about feeling rather than thinking because feeling is so much stronger. She got me thinking while I was going through my poses. What if I could actually lose this weight? What if my knees didn't get stiff and sore? What if I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up? A lot of what if's, but probably the three biggest things on my mind. Because I was in that mind set, I thought about the weight loss what if. And honestly the first feeling that popped up was fear. I've been overweight for so long, I feel like it is part of what defines me as me. So who am I going to be if I become a thin person? Will it change my personality? How will it change the way people look at me and respond to me and perceive me? I think I have to lose that fear of losing myself in order to let go of the weight. That's something to work on in my yoga class and my quiet moments I think. It sounds weird to be afraid of losing weight, but I think that really is an issue.

Enough with contemplating my navel...

When I got out of yoga class tonight I felt really good. It was nice to be back and moving and focused. It was also nice to realize that I actually have adopted some real changes in my eating habits. That has always been a big struggle. I've kicked the junk and sugar, now I just need to get my portions back under control. I've started bringing my lunch to work again. First off, it saves me a lot of money. But secondly, it also makes it easier to control the portions since I pack it when I'm not hungry.

Now, if I can just avoid tequila shots and 14 day lost weekends, I should be back on track soon.

Cheerios!