Day 12: Farmisht , Farmutshet, and Farshvitst

Wow. It's amazing how one off night at yoga just puts you all out of whack. My mind has been unfocused and distracted all day. So of course it got really busy at work today.

For those who don't know, I work in the diamond industry. I'm a programmer for a small software company that makes inventory and A/R control software for diamond dealers. The diamond industry is very heavily Jewish and though I am not of that faith, I've picked up enough over the years that I might as well be. Yiddish is one of those things that I've picked up. One thing I love about Yiddish words is that they often mean exactly what the sound like, especially the less than polite words. Like putz, you may not know exactly what it means, but just by the sound of it you don't want to be called it. My two favorite words are meshugass, which means madness or insanity, and (I hope I don't offend) farkakte, which means kind of like sh*tty or f*cked up.

The other thing I picked up was about another 70 pounds (I was already about 30 pounds overweight when I started this job). For 17 years I have spent 8 hours a day 5 days a week sitting at a desk exercising my brain more than my butt. It made it very easy to pack on those pounds. After a long day, you get home and all you really want to do is veg out in front of the TV and turn your brain off for a while. Believe it or not having to think and solve problems all day is physically exhausting. Exercise? Maybe later. Cook a healthy balanced meal? A can of Chef Boyardee in the microwave is a lot quicker and easier. Have a bad day at work? Stressed out? Ben & Jerry are always there to comfort and reward you. Obviously I didn't have to fall into the sedentary lifestyle trap, but I was a prime candidate. Even now, there are some nights when I get home and all I really want to do is sit on my butt. The difference is now I'm more motivated. When I started this blog, I joked that public failure is a strong motivator. What I've discovered is that it REALLY is. I'd feel like I let someone down if I didn't do the things I was supposed to and then come here and write about it (apparently I've also picked up some good old fashioned Jewish guilt too!).

Why is it so much easier to accept disappointing yourself than it is risking the disappointment of others?

I mean ultimately I'm not trying to lose this weight for you guys, I'm trying to lose it for me. I guess that's one of my other little personality quirks, I'm a people pleaser, so pleasing makes me feel more worthwhile. I used to be worse and it caused me no end of stress. Then finally just before my senior year of high school it all caught up with me and I had a bit of a mental meltdown. The thing that pulled me through and still does to when things get rough is something my brother Chris said to me on that day: "There are only two people in this world that you have to impress. That's me and that's you. And I'm already damn impressed."

So I try and keep those words with me when I get tired and frustrated with this whole lifestyle change. But now I have something more to go with those words, all the very kind and supportive comments and emails I've been getting from you all. They've been a great help getting through these first two weeks. Apparently positive reinforcement can keep cravings at bay! Behold the power of words.

So thank you for your support. I may be trying to lose this weight for me, but I'm not sure I could do it without you.